FADE IN:

INT. LIVING ROOM OF TERRACED HOUSE, SHEFFIELD

SMILING BOBBY is watching Neighbours on the television. The phone rings. SMILING BOBBY mutes the television and answers the phone.

 

SMILING BOBBY

Hello.

EXT. HOTEL POOLSIDE, LOS ANGELES – DAY

FILM EXEC

Hey Smiling Bobby! How you doin’?

INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION

SMILING BOBBY

Fine, fine, just watching Neighbours. I was just about to put the kettle on.

FILM EXEC

Glad I caught you. I need your thoughts about that new movie. What would you like to see?

SMILING BOBBY

Let’s start with Vegas.

FILM EXEC

You got it.

SMILING BOBBY

And gambling. Reckless gambling. And Jason Statham.

FILM EXEC

OK, I’ll see if he’s free. What else?

SMILING BOBBY

Dirty fighting, some of it to Christmas songs, some of it with cutlery.

FILM EXEC

Cutlery? That seems very specific….

SMILING BOBBY

…and involve that guy who was co-director for  The Transporter.

FILM EXEC

Corey Yuen?

SMILING BOBBY

That’s him.  I want Stanley Tucci to play a cameo as a mob boss called Baby.

And I want the cinema to give me free pie when I go to see it.

FILM EXEC

You know free pie at the movie theater might just be out of our jurisdiction….

SMILING BOBBY

Then I want William Goldman to write the screenplay.

FILM EXEC

You want what?

SMILING BOBBY

You heard me. I want William Goldman.

FILM EXEC

OK, OK. We’ll try. Come to think of it, that story does sound a bit like his

novel Heat.  Always good to talk to you Bobby.

SMILING BOBBY

Say hi to Jason for me.

FADE OUT:

If you like a well-written action movie along the lines of the above, go to see Wild Card whilst it’s still playing in cinemas.  There won’t be free pie, but you won’t be sorry.